By Lisa Elliott Schumacher LPC
In this new series, we will be raising awareness for narcissism and the experience of being in relationship with those who exhibit narcissistic traits. This is not a discussion of those who meet diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, but rather, those who exhibit narcissistic traits.
While we will not have the space here to talk about solutions or problem-solving, the goal is to increase awareness, to be better able to put language around the experiences and hopefully to validate those of you who have experienced or are currently experiencing the harmful effects of narcissism.
Let’s continue the discussion from part 1 in which we talked about workplace narcissism and move into a discussion around narcissism in intimate relationships.
What does narcissism look like in an intimate relationship?
Narcissism shows up in intimate relationships in many ways, and each situation will have its own nuances. However, there are some generalities that we can explore here. For example, an intimate relationship with a narcissistic partner (NP), will oftentimes start out with over-the-top affection, attention, and admiration. This is referred to as “love bombing.”
Love bombing is different from the early stages of love where the brain is flooded with dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin and you feel “on top of the world.” Love bombing can look like offers of “forever” within the first few dates or extravagant gifts early on in the relationship. It can manifest as extreme compliments, putting the healthy partner (HP) on a pedestal of perfection or even god-like status.
One of the most damaging and harmful aspects of an intimate relationship with an NP is the emotional and mental abuse that occurs.
Because NPs are riddled with intense feelings of insecurity and a fragile ego, they draw on the self-worth of others to build themselves up. Think of it as a type of emotional parasitism. It can show up in many ways such as criticism, control, manipulation, and isolation.
Emotional/mental abuse can also show up in some ways that may be less obvious such as intentionally interfering with the HP’s sleep or other basic health needs. This affords the NP the advantage of keeping the HP at an emotionally and physically vulnerable place, where they are more easily targeted and controlled.
Another key component of being in relationship with an NP is gaslighting.
In 1938, Patrick Hamilton wrote a play called, “Gaslight.” In 1944, the play was made into a movie. In this movie, the husband slowly and strategically erodes his wife’s sense of sanity through dimming and brightening the gas lamps in the house and denying that it is happening. He also hides objects in the house, projecting the blame on to her and further causing her to believe that she is imagining things. Gaslighting has since become a household term that most of us are probably familiar with. However, its effects are pretty powerful.
Over time, the NP uses gaslighting to cause the HP to question their own sense of reality. Once that has happened, the NP has assumed a large portion of control, mentally, over the HP. This can also lead to the HP disconnecting from their instincts significantly, to the point that they may begin to accept things that they never otherwise would have accepted, such as greater forms of abuse, lies, infidelity, neglect, and even exposure to danger or physical abuse.
Another destabilizing behavior of the NP is what I like to call “the flip.” The NP can be extremely charming (remember the love bombing?), and they are able to switch back and forth between two modes: manipulate and intimidate. The underlying motive with both, however, is control.
The NP will use manipulation when they feel it will be the most effective and will resort to intimidation when they feel it is needed or will be most effective.
For the HP, experiencing the constant “flip” is also very destabilizing as they never know which version of their partner they will wake up with each morning or come home to each evening.
While there simply is not enough space here to cover all of the aspects of being in a relationship with an NP, my hope is that this article raises awareness, helps bring recognition to the experience, and empowers someone to take some healthy action steps where needed.
While not all narcissists are violent, I want to ensure that all my fellow community members have the appropriate resources if physical safety is lacking in your relationship and/or home. Perhaps, you do not need the resources, but someone that you love needs them today or will need them one day. Be blessed, stay safe, and stay empowered!
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788
Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1-800-33-HAVEN (1-800-334-2836)
Crisis Line and Safe House of Central Georgia: 478-745-9292
Lisa Elliott Schumacher, LPC
Life By Design Counseling
Lisa is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a Monroe County resident, and a mental health
practitioner located in Bolingbroke who is passionate about helping others find healing, live fully, and to
live holistically healthy lives, body, soul, and spirit. She believes life is meant to be lived by design, not by
chance, and she aspires to help others live by design, wholly, fully, and vibrant. The sharing of these
Thoughts are in no way therapy or a substitute for therapy. If you are in crisis right now…Call or
Text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. If you are having a medical emergency, a safety emergency requiring
law enforcement, EMS, or experiencing a fire emergency: DIAL 911.
